*Transliteratus!*
EXCERPT FROM My Life By Sirius O. Black, Auror and Hero: A THRILLING TALE OF ADVENTURE AND TRIUMPH OVER ADVERSITY!

First draft!

CHAPTER ... ah, I'll figure it out later. THE MYSTERY OF THE MYSTERIOUS FOOTLOCKER

...which it was just sitting there in Professor Futhock's office, and I was sitting there too with Prongs -- this was fourth year -- and Futhock was blathering on and on about detention and we were waiting for him to get to the bloody POINT already so we could look properly abashed and promise not to do it again. Which naturally was pure cack. It had been a magnificent prank, all the better because it was unplanned and unexpected! And now that we knew it WORKED, well, we couldn't do the exact same prank again because that would be boring and unoriginal and anyway it would be too easy to pin on us. All we did was put together a sigil that signified SNIVELLUS IS A RUDDY WANKER and draw it all over the walls of the west wing third corridor on the left. Just a bit of fun, right? BUT! LITTLE DID WE KNOW that the sigil would actually WORK -- we just took Ancient Runes as a requirement and weren't paying attention half the time.

SO ANYWAY the next time Snivellus passed through that corridor his face got all RED AND FLUSHED and so did points down south! HA! He found himself with a pathetic wee stiffy RIGHT IN THE CORRIDOR BETWEEN CLASSES like a sad little pup tent in his school robe, and he was forced to WANK IT OUT RIGHT THERE and lo, who should come down the corridor but Madam Pince AND Professor McGonnagall on their way to have a cup of tea in the staff room. OH THE HORROR! OH THE CONSTERNATION! AND WE MISSED IT! We heard later that there was all sorts of shrieking and tears from the first year girls who'd never seen a willy and snivelling from Snivellus and a trip to the infirmary and Madam Pomfrey had to LOOK at his WANG and rub UNGER'S UNCANNY UNENSORCELLING UNGUENT on it and he spurted all over her -- ah, that part might not be true, we might have added that bit later to make the story better. IN ANY EVENT, I have no idea how McGonnagall knew it was us, but she DRAGGED us out of our Charms lesson BY OUR EARS and yelled blue murder and so we were sitting in Professor Futhock's office and Prongs was trying to convince him that we should in reality get EXTRA HOUSE POINTS because the sigil should count as extra homework credit because it WORKED. But Futhock wasn't buying it and we ended up in detention.

ANYWAY, there was this FOOTLOCKER in his office. And it was MOCKING me because it had a huge iron padlock on it, just BEGGING to be broken. So when we were at detention cleaning and organising all the sticks and stones and bits and bobs Futhock used for his lessons on rune divination -- which, you know, should have been part of divination class since just because it used runes didn't mean it wasn't DIVINATION. So we were playing with the sticks and throwing stones at each other and such when I said, "James OLD MATE we must get into that footlocker because it has the LOCK THAT MOCKS." And he said, "Mister Black you are correct as always!" Because we weren't Prongs and Padfoot then, you see, because that wasn't until fifth year.

The lock looked just like an old Muggle lock, so first we tried to pick it with a letter opener, but it THWARTED us. So we thought we'd try to pick it with our wands, and that didn't work either, and so we tried to melt the lock with a bit of our old friend incendio but that just set the whole footlocker on fire and it spread to the carpet so we had to try aguamenti maximus and that was how the flood started. And we ended up scrubbing floors for THREE WEEKS BY HAND WITH BRUSHES AND EVERYTHING and Filch standing there and BREATHING at us and it was entirely UNFAIR and UNWARRANTED because didn't we put out the fire and SAVE THE ENTIRE SCHOOL?

AND I STILL DON'T KNOW WHAT WAS IN THAT FOOTLOCKER!